promises to yourself

Last spring three people I knew, people my age, died. One died of a heart attack and the other two of melanoma. All of them were too young.

I kept telling myself that I would, and could, lose weight in order to look and feel the way I wanted to but I never really started. I earned my master’s degree, I pushed myself in my career, I started new hobbies, I had a vbac. I did other things that required strength and perseverance, but I didn’t lose weight.

When those deaths occurred last spring I took it as a wake-up call. It’s not that their diets necessarily contributed to their deaths but the idea that there could have been things left undone or unsaid. The idea that I could leave something left undone. And so I decided to stop putting off the one thing I’d left undone. The thing that made me feel like I wasn’t strong enough, wasn’t tough enough, didn’t have the stamina to see myself through to the beginning of a goal, never mind the finish line.

Life is short. I’ve stopped putting off until tomorrow what I need to take care of today. That’s what gets me through parties, vending machines, the grocery store, and the goodies in the kitchen cabinets. I don’t want to leave this thing undone. This is MY life and I am taking it back, one calorie at a time. I am keeping this promise to myself.

Day 24 (-.8)

Finally! The apple day seems to have worked, my hunger issues have ceased, and I am trying to get my head back in the game.

I think I might be a size 14 now but I have a stack of 12s with no 14s in sight. Maybe a trip to the thrift store is in order this weekend, at least just to see. I’ve been wearing dresses and they definitely fit differently but I wouldn’t have dropped a size in any of them by now.

Weight = 199.6

Day 23

I’ve been busy and had some issues getting to the blog.

My weight has remained about the same for the last few days and I’ve had some issues with hunger. I skipped my shot yesterday because usually hunger is caused by having too much HCG in your system. Since my weight has been around 200.4 or so the last few days then I am eating only apples today (along with making sure I drink a gallon of water) to get past this plateau.

I feel a little frustrated, to be honest. I feel stressed out because I let myself get really behind at work and then the stress is giving me a mean case of the munchies. I just feel… off. My head is not in the game because my head has to be somewhere else so I can be successful at work. I need to make sure I am recording everything, everyday, and adding entries into this blog. It is a reminder of of the 15 pounds I HAVE lost and that I only have 15 more to go this round. I am halfway there yet I am have difficulty recognizing my own success. My face looks thinner but my body really doesn’t and I need to make my brain stop celebrating these small battles as winning the war, because I haven’t yet. Watching my weight in the graph on the top of this blog steadily go down is gratifying but I really have a long way to go still, about 60 more pounds. I can focus and get that 60 pounds whittled down to 45 by the end of the month. I need to focus on that and stop getting distracted by little things (and big things) in order to make myself proud.

Weight = 200.4

I WANT TO SEE 199 tomorrow morning

Day 21 (-.4)

I had my mid-way appointment yesterday and according to the doctor’s scale I’ve lost 20 pounds. That’s because I kept my boots on when I first weighed in though. 🙂

Yesterday I was thinking about the ability to stick to something and how we use food as a reward so often that we think of a strict eating plan as being deprivation. If chocolate cake will make me sick to my stomach am I really being deprived if I don’t eat it? Why do we think we need so much more than what we actually need to survive? 

Weight = 200.6

Day 20 (-1)

I’ve been stuck at 202 for several days but there was a lot of “movement” last night and this morning so I did see a one pound loss on the scale this morning. I have a midway appointment this afternoon and I’d have like to see a little more lost but I am still where I want to be in order to reach a 30 pound loss by December 23rd. I’m looking forward to having my period end so I can quit having so many chocolate cravings and see a bit more release over the next few weeks. What is it physically that happens to us that makes us gain weight? You’d think after 30 years of it I’d know by now.

Weight = 201

Day 17 (-1.4)

Hey, almost 15 pounds and no one has noticed yet? WTF? I’ve noticed: my face is thinner, my belly is a lot less bloated, and I feel lighter. I also have noticed that even with a lot of underlying stress I haven’t had a headache in weeks. I definitely have food sensitivities that eating clean helps get rid of completely.

Weight = 202

Day 15 (+1.4)

Well, an increase was a little bit of a surprise this morning. There was nothing that went awry yesterday though so I’m not too concerned about it sonce it’s likely just a natural bodily adjustment. I also weighed much earlier today, about 2 hours earlier, than I did yesterday. No need to panic, I’m going to just keep on keepin’ on.

Weight = 204.4

 

Day 14 (-2)

I was a little surprised to see 203 on the scale this morning. I drank A LOT of water yesterday, altogether over 4 liters if you include the two cups of coffee and a cup of tea. I really credit the keeping of this blog with keeping me on track. It is a way of feeling accountable without getting a lot of attention – ironic since the blog is public. I think I feel more accountable to myself though, and that is the big difference.

I have been excessively absent-minded lately. I’m not sure if it is from the low calories or the thinking about losing weight that is affecting my brain. I need some strategies to keep me a little more on top of things.

Weight = 203