promises to yourself

Last spring three people I knew, people my age, died. One died of a heart attack and the other two of melanoma. All of them were too young.

I kept telling myself that I would, and could, lose weight in order to look and feel the way I wanted to but I never really started. I earned my master’s degree, I pushed myself in my career, I started new hobbies, I had a vbac. I did other things that required strength and perseverance, but I didn’t lose weight.

When those deaths occurred last spring I took it as a wake-up call. It’s not that their diets necessarily contributed to their deaths but the idea that there could have been things left undone or unsaid. The idea that I could leave something left undone. And so I decided to stop putting off the one thing I’d left undone. The thing that made me feel like I wasn’t strong enough, wasn’t tough enough, didn’t have the stamina to see myself through to the beginning of a goal, never mind the finish line.

Life is short. I’ve stopped putting off until tomorrow what I need to take care of today. That’s what gets me through parties, vending machines, the grocery store, and the goodies in the kitchen cabinets. I don’t want to leave this thing undone. This is MY life and I am taking it back, one calorie at a time. I am keeping this promise to myself.

Day 23

I’ve been busy and had some issues getting to the blog.

My weight has remained about the same for the last few days and I’ve had some issues with hunger. I skipped my shot yesterday because usually hunger is caused by having too much HCG in your system. Since my weight has been around 200.4 or so the last few days then I am eating only apples today (along with making sure I drink a gallon of water) to get past this plateau.

I feel a little frustrated, to be honest. I feel stressed out because I let myself get really behind at work and then the stress is giving me a mean case of the munchies. I just feel… off. My head is not in the game because my head has to be somewhere else so I can be successful at work. I need to make sure I am recording everything, everyday, and adding entries into this blog. It is a reminder of of the 15 pounds I HAVE lost and that I only have 15 more to go this round. I am halfway there yet I am have difficulty recognizing my own success. My face looks thinner but my body really doesn’t and I need to make my brain stop celebrating these small battles as winning the war, because I haven’t yet. Watching my weight in the graph on the top of this blog steadily go down is gratifying but I really have a long way to go still, about 60 more pounds. I can focus and get that 60 pounds whittled down to 45 by the end of the month. I need to focus on that and stop getting distracted by little things (and big things) in order to make myself proud.

Weight = 200.4

I WANT TO SEE 199 tomorrow morning

Day 17 (-1.4)

Hey, almost 15 pounds and no one has noticed yet? WTF? I’ve noticed: my face is thinner, my belly is a lot less bloated, and I feel lighter. I also have noticed that even with a lot of underlying stress I haven’t had a headache in weeks. I definitely have food sensitivities that eating clean helps get rid of completely.

Weight = 202

Day 13 – mini-goal one met (-.6)

I made it to my first little goal and am down ten pounds overall. I got a new little badge in my Lose It! app that I find absurdly rewarding. I rewarded myself by drinking a huge glass of water with lemon before leaving the house. 🙂

It was a sad long weekend though, with my husband being gone most of the time to be with his dad in the hospital. I tried to be productive yesterday and managed to get the laundry in and some of my own clothes sorted in between bouts of lethargy and diarrhea on the part of my three year-old. I did eat two small Tootsie Rolls which wouldn’t seem that bad except that I need to clear all the chemicals and gunk out of my system and those tiny pieces of candy aren’t doing me any favors. I also spent some time reading up on Phase 3 since I’ll be on vacation while I’m on it. It’s basically just strict Paleo, which I am used to, but it will be a bit of a struggle since there will likely be temptations while we are out. I need to keep finding ways of dealing with those – the mental X out of a pop-up temptation is still working okay but I honestly think the responsibility of writing everyday is a lot more useful to me.

I also calculated how long it might take me to get to my overall goal weight of 145 instead of just the interim weights. Maybe by the end of May if I can keep going strong? The reward is having $1,000 to spend on new clothing and I think we will also have enough money for me to actually be able to do that. Athleta and CAbi, here I come! I sorted through clothes yesterday though and made piles in my closet by size. I have several pairs of pants in size 12 – I tried on a pair of 14s and they still felt a little snug so I think it will be another week or so before they are comfortable enough to wear. At least the process of having them sorted made me a bit more confident that I won’t have to do much shopping in the coming month because holiday shopping scares me. I can concentrate on gifts for my family and friends instead.

Weight = 205    yes!!!

Day Eight (-.8)

I feel a little frustrated that I was only down .8 this morning even though it’s irrational. I like seeing nice whole numbers on the scale. I lost two pounds yesterday. .8 in a day is still amazing. I know I’m not really expecting 40 pounds in 40 days but something in my brain must really be hanging onto that idea of losing a pound a day. While dwelling on it and packing up my lunch I saw the healthy Thanksgiving food and immediately felt hungry. My solution? I drank a large glass of water with lemon juice and immediately felt satiated. Also, now that I see it in the post title I like the symmetry of day eight and -.8. 🙂

So now I am shaking that off and working on my goal-setting. My first mini-goal, to weigh 205, should be coming up soon; I am hoping that is the number I see on the scale on Monday morning. I’m also hoping that number means size 14 pants will fit me. From there I calculated 10% losses for each upcoming goal and then I realized they would probably correlate with pants size. I think I weighed around 135-145 in high school and about 155 in college. I know I was 165 when we got married. I was reading something the other day about people starting to look thinner and then they lost focus because they already looked and felt better. I’m not sure how to fight that feeling because I have definitely had that issue before. I think I will just keep journaling in here to work through it and have a record of it to look back on later.

Mini-goal 1: 205    Size goal – 14

Mini-goal 2 – 185    Size goal – 12

Mini goal 3 – 167    Size goal – 10

Goal weight – 150    Size goal – 8

Weight = 209.2

Dealing with my inner voice

  • Take out a piece of paper and make 3 columns
  • Detail in the first column all of the terrible things and scenarios that, if you did the thing you are considering (a new job, project, ending a relationship, starting a diet), could happen.
  • In the 2nd column list all of the things that you can do to minimize the likelihood of the things in column 1 from happening.
  • In the 3rd column list all the line by line actions you can take to get you back to where you were, to re-achieve all things you need to do to get you back to the status quo. For example it could be getting back into the industry you may leave in order to start your own business.
  • Look at the 3 lists and the # of items in those lists. Calculate the impact of the decision on a scale of 0-10. From there the answer should be clear.

Keep my eyes on the prize!

  1. people notice – be gracious in accepting compliments – if the weight stays off then it will just become the normal me
  2. people ask questions – explain paleo diet and tell them I am going to the gym – refer them to a personal trainer
  3. I want other food – do the mental “click” and get rid of the pop-up thoughts – keep recording food and healthy options in a blog
  4. spend money on clothes – uh, I have clothes in other sizes in my closet – I can spend $1,000 on clothes when I reach 150
  5. I am hungry – drink more water – Metamucil

What is this all about?

Over the last week or so I have viewed several documentaries about health, nutrition, and food consumption.Motivated by “Hungry for Change,” “May I Be Frank,” “Food Matters,” and “Forks Over Knives,” I am committing to eating a primarily plant-based diet with only small amounts of oil and animal proteins.

I will use this space to reflect on experiences and keep a food diary.